Last week I dropped my ten-month-old daughter off at daycare. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, like I’ve done hundreds of times before and for the third time that week, I teared up. One thing made that day different. That little girl waved goodbye to me. Her slender little arm extended out and waved around. She smiled her three-toothed grin, turned around and motored off to join her buddy Aaron in a fun game of “Clear the Bookcase.”

It became obvious that she was no longer a baby, unaware of her surroundings. She was a little, observant, independent-ish person, who knew I was leaving and that saying goodbye was appropriate. I felt like my little girl was slipping away, and I was missing it.

I immediately began to reexamine my decisions. I took 12 weeks of maternity leave. I am breastfeeding. We make Abigail’s food – steaming, blending and freezing food in ice cube trays that is mostly organic. I send her to a daycare that I love with teachers who have been supportive of us every step of the way. But that little arm waving around made me pause. Aw hell, it nearly made me breakdown.

I love my job and I love the fact that I have mentally been able to balance the two. I put her little wave away in my milestones file to visit another day. Perhaps a day when she’s slamming a bedroom door in my face. Reluctantly, I pushed on to work where I read this…

Crazy ladies like this make you second guess everything you have carefully conceived for yourself. I know that having a defined greater purpose is important. Right now that greater purpose is getting up and going to work. It isn’t, by any means, perfect or ideal. But it is what it is. It is life.

One thing I do tire of is woman putting other woman down. We are a mean species. As nurturing and caring and loving as woman can be, we can be equally as manipulative and demeaning. And why? To make ourselves feel better? To mask the cloud of doubt constantly over our own heads? I am as guilty as the next with my subtle putdowns and chatty gossip. I’m not sure where I get the energy or why. It certainly doesn’t make anyone feel better expect maybe myself, for a minute.

I wish it were still Lent. Then I could be guilted into giving up whispered conversations and critiques of my fellow woman. But since it’s not, I’m going to have to call on good ole willpower. So goodbye, gossip and nitpicking!

Ironic that my first writing is about saying goodbye when it should be all about saying hello? Maybe. But these are things worth saying farewell too… Mommy’s leaving daycare? That’s a whole other story.

~RED